McNumpty Strikes Again.

Well dear friend, a year hath passedeth sincth I latht updated thith blog and crickey where hath thith lithp come from? Thurely Me and the Mighty McNumpty don't have a thingle communicative flaw between uth.

And yet. And yet. Phil has been up to his old tricks again, writing in treble dutch about premiership Atlases without a compass, Wolves. Here's a flavour, a back from the dead flavour like a kitchen supper for zombies round at call me Dave's......that makes little sense but it doesn't matter because for one night only, Phil McNumpty's Catechism of Cliche is Back!

That's a remarkable silence you detected at Molynieux, Phil. What did you alone hear in it?

- I heard the echo of resignation, wait, and I heard the echo of relegation.

What a remarkably echo-ey load of non-sounds from the Midlands, Phil.

YODEL-EH-OOP-EEEEE-OO! Cup o Bovril please Duck! Ta!

At the opposite poles of the class system Phil, you note it's not just Betty Windsor suffering from identity issues but also sacked ex-manager Mick McMousey who habitually employs which first person plural when talking about Wolves?

- Ah you must mean "the Wolves 'we'."

Indeed I do.

Do Posh Mick and Wolves have a Bentley Continental or an Ant Hill Mob 1927 Big Six President Model ES-7 passenger sedan Studebaker to travel between leagues, then, Phil?

-No.

So how pray tell are Mick's Wolves going to get to the Championship?

- They will walk there of course.

I bet they'll get the bus back though, eh?

That penalty decision, Phil.

- Yes?

The one debated, long and loud as though with one voice, between the whole of Mick's Wolves and Molineux and the entire city of Bolton.

-Yes?

Who was the debate settled by, single handed, from the rostrum of the spot, like the noble Mark Antony after the death of Caesar?

- By Petrov of course!

And Mick's Wolves you say have accelerated that walk to the championship, despite having wilted like neglected flowers?

- What of it?

So, they're power-walking to the Championship like thirsty invading alien ambulatory killer flora, the triffids, in search of a drink, Phil?

- You might say that. If you were being pedantic.

The last word there to the great man. Don't miss his latest nonsensical masterpiece of metaphorical admixture at

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/philmcnulty/2012/03/ wolves_plight_exposes_patchwor.html

Capello rewards Davies toil

After a couple of blogs of tiresome tedious yawnworthy anonymity unworthy of the great man, McNumpty’s blogs are once again beginning to express their essential McNumptyness. Here’s to the Great McNumpty in the Sky mmwwwhahahaha ...

What kind of toil has Davies put in, Phil?
-Honest toil.

Not JUST honest toil though, is it?
-No it’s also long toil. Honest and long toil. That kind of toil. Longer toil than anyone else. Their toil is short toil. Far too short. Davies honest toil is much longer.

What did he do with the England squad, once upon a time?
-He flirted with it. The minx.

What did Heskeys absence do to the gap in the team?
-Left it vacant. Nothing worse than a vacant gap. I like gaps to be filled. So they’re not gaps.

What are the snipers who have trained their sights doing that might make them miss?
-They have raised eyebrows.


Verdict

Not much ammunition er I mean er er substance this time round, but getting there.

3/10

Phil McNulty Q&A blog

Bit of a weird one this one.

Phil has nicked the catechism format of this blog but has lost his cliched mixed metaphorical soul in the process. Not a mangled metaphor in sight! Come on Phil are you trying to rob your own blog of its weird and unique form of glowing green artificial alien life, and this blog of its raison d'etre?

Verdict

0/10

Man City Prove Mancini Wrong

Phil says Mancini was like some kind of Prof Branestawm, (the finest creation of former Leeds defender Bite-yer-legs Norman Hunter) with a weird blueprint of dead intricate drawings of how to take back the Prem, using a cunningly designed Heath Robinson steam engine or summat... what did he finally do with it today?
-He revealed it of course.

Then Prof Mancini lined up his prediction and shot what through the middle of it?
-A hole.

A prediction with a hole shot in it will stop the season becoming what kind of west London perambulation
-A Stamford Bridge stroll

Mancini raised a cheeky voyeur in the showers eyebrow. (Ed Milliband was in there too with his victorious nose). Chelsea, he said are how much more well-endowed than their rivals?  
-Several lengths.  

Despite of or perhaps because of these well endowed proportions, what does public schoolboy Phil deny that they are?
-Untouchable

And weilding their massive knobs like rubber truncheons on flies, what have they done to their rivals, Phil?
-swatted them aside

Ever wonder what happened to Mancini's flowing locks? Phil informs us. his roots, like triffids, must have ripped themselves up because they held Ancellotti and did what around Chelsea?
-Entwined themselves

Despite the monster phalluses and rampaging triffids, the mad scientst blueprints and the predictions with holes shot in them where did man city still manage to stand with their toes?
-to toe

Toure's toes must be chuffing massive because hes the size of what aristocratic rural residence?
-a large country house

Mistaking it for an appetizing snack, what did the Country Mansion Transformer Toure then do with the ball?
-Fed Tevez.

He must be a haunted mansion because Ramires looked like hed seen what?
-a ghost.

Verdict 

Where have you BEEN, Phil? Visiting relatives in the country pile I guess and reminiscing about your schooldays. Giving us this classic blog. Top notch, old chap.

10/10

Berbatov exposes Liverpool decline

How hard is the Morning Glory brought on by the thought of Tom Hicks?
-hard to the stomach (according to Phil - his words, not mine!)

How average was Liverpool’s Morning Glory?
-too average?

Too average?!?!? Phil's fertile mind coins such dazzling concepts like a mint.

How long were they too average?
-too long

Make your mind up, Phil. Were they too average or too long?

What must bristley old SAF do to the frailty which we saw in the last blog throwing lifelines willy nilly?
-dress it up

What low alcohol beer is Count Berbatov's secret avatar (no bats for this Bela-Lugosi lookylikey)?
-Cantona-lite ( proof : he once Chinese burned a spectator when he got sent off)

What has this lite beer thrown off?
-the shackles

What circus tricks was Berbatov performing against the Liverpool transvestites in completing his treble?
- juggling, bicycle kicks and soaring high

Now the Count has moved out of his Transylvanian shadows and they’ve found a shirt which fits him, which part of the stage does he occupy?
-centre

That point would have been a blooming big point had it been won at all as keen painter and decorator Roy Hodgson could have used it to paper over what exactly, Phil?
-the cracks

P&D Hodgson needs to be saving up his hard earned P&D money now for the inescapeable ransom as, whether or not they win the league, he is going to be what at the end of the season?
-a hostage


Verdict

Back on form, Phil. Carnivalesque cross-dressing and Karnoalesque circus acts aplenty, as befits the occasion.
A few warning-signs, though, Phil; worryingly eroticised imagery used in relation to Tom Hicks and that old Public School obsession with bondage is bubbling back up to the surface. Cold shower before the next blog for you, old son.

8/10

Man Utd 3 - 2 Liverpool

Unexpectedly, what did Liverpools frailty have the strength to do throw Man Utd, Phil?
-a lifeline

What say was Count Berbatov determined to have before he returned to his coffin?
-the final one

Like that other ginger prince, Ron Weasley, what were Liverpool distincly second best for?
- long spells

And like some Houdini of the crustaceous world, what had the Liverpool defense locked themselves up in?
-a shell

Did they ever escape, and perhaps go over Viagra Falls in a barrel of prozzies?
- ?
[Discrete as ever, Phil will hint it but not disclose the BDSM goings on of the after-match shenanigans. ]

Verdict
Bit of a horror show, really. Apocalyptic undertones of sado-masochisticisicism, vampires and despair. Depressing. 2/10. You're slipping, son.

Recommendation
At a time when the BBC is under intense pressure to lower its standards to save money, Phil, more mixed metaphors, light-hearted jokes and inconsequential tittle-tattle should boost readership. You know, like in the writings of Robbo Robson and Chris Charles.

Everton 0 - 1 Newcastle

i cant see why anyone would begrudge the Pope of sports reporting his state-sponsored visit to Goodison Park to produce for us another mini masterpiece of insightful eloquence.


where are Everton rooted, Phil?
- in the bottom 3

what was King Arfa (you can borrow that if you want, Phil) doing at half-time?
-having a stroke

gar. misread that one. sorry. take 2 :

at what resonant tocsin indicative of the half time interval did Arfa score?
-the stroke

as well as being rooted there where are the guys at everton also languishing?
-near the bottom

what was Tom Howard forced to do?
-palm away joey barton

shortly after, what did king arfa deliver of the indefinable essence which made of him a hot property?
- a taste

Phil - how did moyes get life into his side?
-he injected it, it says here

and what did Coleman get on the ball?
-a touch

and was that an example of Coleman's balls?
-(unusually, Phil fails to answer this question)


Verdict.

Phil, you made this game sound like a homosexual orgy in a catholic seminary, a brilliant, if disturbing metaphor for the BBC's approach to sports journalism.

further evidence of your use of Burrough's cut-up tecnique can be found in your concluding remark : "Newcastle held on for three deserved win".

a brave experiment in literary sports writing, but a bit pervy.

5/10.